Love, heartbreak & the taboo of divorce

There are so many textures and shapes to our human stories of love. And heartbreak reveals the natural human vulnerability at the centre of these stories. Heartbreak’ is a word we use, but its also a very real physiological and physical pain. In some ways this pain is evolutionary because we are biologically designed to maintain bonds. Heartbreak in the contexts of love and relationships, is often a signal of a disruption of a bond. Bonding is all about reciprocal affection, sensitivity and responsiveness.

In partnership bonding is biologically & evolutionary designed to maintain and grow the container of “family”, but it is also about creating safety, and encouraging growth and mutual support through the journey of life.

In the “traditional” context, bonding was for life….. ie. monogamous, stable, pragmatic. Stability was far more important than intimacy.

The structure of relationship and family has changed a lot over the last 2 generations. We aren’t bound by the same social rules or constraints in relationships. Many of us have chosen for ‘love’, and have cut ties to cultural or family expectations. Letting go of those traditional structures has given us more freedom.….

These days women don’t have to solely rely on their man’s income for their child’s/children’s survival in the same way they used to. And emotional intimacy has become far more important and we generally have way higher expectations from a partner - relying on them for friendship, compassion, reassurance, sexual excitement, financial partnership, etc. In cases they become a source a sense of identity or self-worth. Esther Perel says we now rely on one person to provide the emotional and physical resources that a village or community used to provide

This means that if a relationship ends, it can cause a real crisis of identity….and great psycho-emotional pain.

It feels like there is a lot of taboo around breaking up….. especially in the context of a family where children are involved. The question of whether should two people stay together “at all costs” (for the sake of the children) is related to social context.

In our modern day social reality, there is so much paradox.

The family coherence and harmony is so important, but ….. we also care about our own inner journeys of spirit .

Some people get shamed or blamed for “leaving” ….. rather than staying to ‘fix’ things.

On the other hand, some people get shamed for “staying” when things get icky (ie. when there is an indecent of infidelity). Maybe we just don’t understand the deeper process someone goes thru to decide to go or stay, their own internal reckoning.

Not so long ago my daughter asked me…. “would u ever get back together with my dad….. just for me??”.

Argh....I still feel the ache of that innocent and beautiful question.

We are both re-partnered, and have probably realised many times that on our own journey of growth, we had to go different ways. There were times I felt resentful of him “breaking up the family unit”. There were times I felt regret the choices I made in partnership. But… in the end, life has its own way of shaping up, and I am grateful for all the learning. I feel for my girl and all the children in this ‘modern’ day are experiencing separated and blended families…..

It can be messy, but I’ve also seen many beautiful examples of parents finding a way to show up to the work in good ways.

I absolutely believe in the ideal of a harmonious family. And I see beautiful examples of this too around me. I honour those who can sustain the power of love over many seasons and rebirths. But I also see that sometimes a relationship needs to change form.

We are always growing, changing…..

There’s often an assumption that a relationship has “failed” if there is a decision to separate. Yet can we accept that sometimes a journey together has reached its completion? Is it possible that two people have grown apart so that their core values are no longer aligned?

And while this can be so hard for the children to understand, I believe it’s important show them that we can still honour the journey of co-parenting and offer love and respect, even when things feel very uncomfortable.

Having started working with couples (as a counsellor), I agree that it’s really valuable for two people in partnership to do the inner work, individually and together - to stay connected. I feel like there are pivotal times in relationship where we need to reorient to each other (eg. after having children, after a big transition) where support can be really useful (counsellor, coach, mentor, elder). Yet I see couple wait til it’s too late in the story….. when habits are well ingrained and difficult to shift. I find this field endlessly fascinating because I see how powerful the mirror of relationship is, and how profound the opportunity for deeper healing is, if we choose to go there. This is the work of intimate beloveds, and ex-beloveds....