Meeting the edge of discomfort: Conflict

Is it possible to maintain connection with someone, when you clearly disagree with them or see things differently?

Is it possible to be connected, even when you are in conflict with them? �

Conflict is part of connection and relationship.

Esther Perel (a therapist who I admire as a mentor), speaks about this in a podcast I listened to recently, and talks about productive vs destructive conflict.

Destructive conflict offers where there is defensiveness, attacking, contempt, blame, polarisation, provocation….

Productive conflict can happen even when we are angry or offended - and involves a willingness (!) to be uncomfortable…. an ability to be with our own sensations and feelings, and to self-regulate

It seems a major social issue of these times is that people don’t want to be uncomfortable….

We like the easy way…… people prefer to just to cut off communication, block them, delete them.

How do we get better at being uncomfortable?

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Life is filled with uncertainty and obstacles and moments of discomfort and challenge.

Maybe we’ve just gotten ’soft’… we are so used to our comforts, our privileges, instant information and gratification, we have technologies that can remove the challenges of life (eg, even a GPS saves us from getting lost).

we can hide behind texts without needing to have actual conversations,

we can easily avoid the intimacy.

Perhaps this age of anxiety is due to the fact that people are less ‘practiced’ as tolerating uncertainty, obstacles, friction. and a lack of practice…

Maybe we need to ‘practice’ being ok with discomfort…. to learn resilience by sitting together and listening, noticing, sharing our vulnerabilities, connecting….

Maybe we need to practice being ok with discomfort by challenging ourselves physically (getting sweaty), by being alone for long periods, by being in wild nature more……….