The Light Within

Many of us unknowingly inherit pain and trauma that spans generations, carried as ancestral memories in the cells of our bodies, and in the subtle field of spirit I received a deeper understanding of this in a healing ceremony last year. It was not just a general sort of pain, it was a direct experience of a energy or entity, with a distinct masculine persona, a shadow who has been pulling me away from the Light of Spirit within me. Maybe this sounds strange. I just know nothing is as black and white in the realms that lie beyond this physical dimension.

I recognise a wounding that has roots not just in my own ancestry but also to the collective feminine, which relates to the to the ways the sacred has been desecrated, the ways our voices as women have been suppressed and the ways the system has tried to prevent us connecting to our innate spiritual power.

There is a wise young teacher I’ve come across on instagram (@boundlesswarrior) who talks about the predatory force that continues to feed on humanity, and the ways we must take responsibility for our own healing. There is a lot to say on this, and by no means fo I mean that every way should point fingers outward towards men. No. Its about looking deeper into our own psyches, the places we give away our power by our own actions, the ways we get led astray by energies that try to lure us off path, and our the need to stay committed to our own spiritual integrity.
I say this too with the belief that the greatest healing can be when we come into sacred relationship with a beloved, where we can both find ways to be in balance - masculine and feminine.

If I return to the story of my ancestry - I recognise that is pain and violence that has been undigested. My grandfather escaped Lithuania, Eastern Europe, just before his entire family were killed during the genocide of World War2. In part this pain led my mother to send me and my sisters to a religious school, an attempt to keep the flame of heritage alive. We were taught about the holocaust directly from survivors, and our minds tried to grapple with the dark reality of ‘why and how’ it could have happened? Is it true that for light to exist, there must inevitably be darkness? I’m still not sure. But I do know that darkness exists, and it has been a distortion of power in the hands of men that has caused millions of people to die in the name of religion and progress over many generations, from the witch hunts to wars to colonial invasions. Maybe we will never be fully able to comprehend it all. Its not even that I want to dwell here. Rather - I want to focus on the fact that to overcome any darkness in our lives, we must bring through the Light. It is my responsibility to stay aligned to Spirit, to practice that pray filled gratitude each day, to try and steer away from environments where the energetic field is messy.

When I was young I was always longing to find a teacher or teachings, that would light my spirit & feed my tender heart. I pushed against the orthodox style of jewish teaching which seemed to suppress women and cling to old traditions. To me the mystical aspects of judaism felt so hidden that I struggled to feel a tangible connection to it’s true essence. I wanted to understand the deeper meanings of the rituals and teachings that I was invited to participate in, but never quite found my way amidst the codes, rules and theories. God was always referred to as “He” and there was barely a mention of the Divine as a feminine presence. Which is not to say it didn’t exist, it just wasn’t shared openly.

Why do I mention this? I myself wonder if I would have not strayed so far from the path of the sacred has I recognised this divine essence in me, as a woman.

The ‘Zohar’ are old jewish mystic texts written in the 2nd century that speak of spiritual ascension and union with God. These texts refer to Shekhinah (hebrew/aramaic) - the earth-centred (wild) presence of the Divine.  These texts were hidden for hundreds of years, similar to the old christian texts of the same era that referred to the teachings that encouraged people to discover the inner Light, the divine within.

I have reconnected to the spiritual essence of my ancestry through music, in the ancient songs of the middle east and Hebrew language sung in prayer. It awakened in the songs and prayers of native culture, which reflect the power of masculine and feminine in balance.

The truth is that the original earth-based religions and cultures of the world did not have to cloak the Light with so much mystery, nor did they have to hide behind rigid rules and use gatekeepers to guard the knowledge. The earth has always been seen as holy and divine, and we as humans are both human and divine. 

Bringing it back to where I started…. 

The healing that continues in my life is looking at where I have allowed myself to be tricked by different energies, times where I have gotten caught in the social distortions of modern culture, times where I haven’t tend well to my own spiritual connection to Spirit.  I have a wider awareness now.
I have compassion for the woman I was, and for the ways I still struggle to stay oriented to the light. So many of us women have experienced of being preyed upon, manipulated and dishonoured.  Its almost a ‘normal’ in our culture. Perhaps this has made it hard for some of us to trust. Sometimes we have internalise a darkness ….we don’t look after ourselves, we misuse our feminine power, we forget our true nature.

We must remember the Light, the Beauty…. and commit to taking care of each other, walking gently, bringing love and healing.

My spiritual path right now is about finding deeper intimacy with that inner Light, learning to listen to the wisdom of the sacred feminine, not allowing energies to highjack my mind, bringing that devotion through with more determination. I’m facing the shadows, freeing myself from habits and tendencies (ah, the ego). And its not at all easy. I’m asking myself how I can be more content at heart in the presence of God, while also looking at how to bring action to a sense of discontent I have with the world’s injustices.
This is where I bring light to now….the inner wilderness within me, the dwelling place of the divine mother within.