Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss - a deep initiation for women

I feel that we must acknowledge the tender edge between life and death that women encounter in both pregnancy and birth. It could be said that a baby’s spirit lives between realms until his or her descent upon the world, and so the veils are thin right up until that final moment of birth. There is a sacred pause between the silence and the cry, stillness and a heartbeat. 

Therefore I feel like we should also talk more about the unspoken tragedy that some pregnancies do not get to complete the fullness of their cycle. It is a powerful initiation for a woman to feel both movements of life and death within her body in a short period of time.

I speak to this having travelled this inner journey myself, experiencing a miscarriage 7 weeks into a pregnancy. I hadn’t realised how common miscarriage was amongst women until many friends shared with me about their own losses. According to Dr Jessica Zucker (a specialist in reproductive health) almost 1 in 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage, yet somehow we don’t seem to know of anyone who has been through it until we speak about our own. Why is it is so rarely spoken about openly? Maybe because the nature of grief has a more intense inward focus and probably because death is taboo in our culture. 

The initial shock and grief of this loss, even though its considered an ‘early’ pregnancy loss, left me feeling very disorientated. I had been swept into a primal anticipation of bringing life into the world, with many dreams for the future with my beloved. I had grown more excited as I noticed my body start to swell and change, and I really hadn’t even thought of the possibility of miscarriage. And so when my when my body bled I was devastated. I cried a river of tears as I faced the reality that the heart-beat of this life was gone and that all the dreams had dissolved, just like that. A wild swirl of emotions  and hormones moved through my body, and I tried to make sense of it all amidst a large sense of guilt, ‘what-ifs’ and self blame at not taking better care of myself. I have come to realise that many women experience some level of shame, regret or self-blame, feeling like they could have done something differently, or that they did something ‘wrong’. This aspect of the feminine psyche rarely gets spoken about, which further compounds the shame. Our minds yearns for understanding, meaning, and closure. But so much lies beyond what the mind can grasp and life can be a harsh teacher. We have to forgive ourselves for what was in our control and also beyond our control.

Medical doctors rarely offer support during these times. Often they will say things like “it happens”, or “you can try again”. I found more support in Chinese Medicine, who explain pregnancy loss from different perspectives. For example, blood deficiency is a common issue for women (often related to our liver health) that can create less optimal conditions in a woman’s womb to nurture a baby. When we are run down or when there are imbalances in the health of our energetic and physical body it can be hard for our bodies to supply enough nutrients to grow a baby. I feel women need better support to understand the many aspects that contribute to our health and wellness.

Nonetheless, the emotional process of grief surges in waves and tides and often involves a flood of sensations, memories, visions, dreams and realisations. A woman’s body also goes through an intense physical cleansing as it seeks to re-balance in a confusion of hormones. Each woman moves through this process uniquely. The tides of emotions need to be felt fully and the tears shed. It take time. Grief teaches us about the fragility and miraculous nature of life. It is a process that must be respected.

I know women who have experienced the tragedy of losing a child at birth. I know women who have lost a young child a few years into their life. Truly I cannot fathom the pain of this loss and heartache. But I feel like we must not turn away or stay silent about this. Because even though death is taboo in western culture, it is also part of life. When we hide it, the grief becomes even more compounded for the parents who are often holding a sense of responsibility and guilt. In these experiences there is immense shock and trauma. Healing takes time and the support of a loving community. And ritual can offer an important space for the expression of the grief. 

Of course these situations bring up huge existential questions of……WHY? And again, perhaps there is no way to grasp meaning amidst feelings of intense loss.  To try to fathom to the great mystery that Creator bestows in both pain and beauty, is almost impossible. But perhaps for all of us, this is part of being human, reconciling and finding meaning in all things and understanding that part of the human experience of life is death too. 

I decided to create an online resource to support women through this journey.
Take a look at the page “Grief and Praise”